You make me nervous, throat dry, my brain is empty, don't know why
I have really been into the Book of Psalms for the last little while. I am amazed how David and the other writers focused on confession. Its my hesistation to let on that I have no weaknesses or doubts. So when I write in these crazy blog things or are expected to share my, what do you call them, oh yeah, feelings with people, I am not expected to show weakness, brokeness, and God forbid confess anything. Derek Webb has been rocking my world lately and on his House Show CD, he has a song about confession. Now if anyone knows or has heard DW live then you know he talks. He talks a lot. And for the most part, its really good stuff, and then some days you're like, come on man I want to hear a song. Well, House Show is not one of those times. For me, that CD is full of good music and great spoken word. Anyways, so the song called "I Repent" has a great lead in by DW and he is simply talking about confession.
I say all that to say 2 things. One, you should all check out DW, he's great. Two, God really hit me last night of how I spend so much time and energy trying to convince everyone that I am "ok" spiritually. For some reason because I have worked at a church for a few years or because I am leaving to go live and work in Bosnia I am not supposed to be weak. I wish I could with a clear conscience tell you that things are great and I trust God completely and that I am holy. However, that is not the truth, but for some reason, I am not supposed to say that.
I am not supposed to feel that.
You are not supposed to hear that...
But the reality of it is that I am weak, I do still doubt God, and I am not holy. I thank God so much that David and the other writers of the Psalms was so bold and broken to admit to God and eventually the entire church they were still in need. So with that said, I want to do a little confessing of my own. Please know that this is not polished and could be added to daily if not hourly, but its a start in direction to recovery. Read it in a Bob Dylan sort of way (that is, not in style but in content)...
I repent of my doubt that fills my soul
The world that I look to, to make me whole
For my mind living in fantasy lands
I repent of my will, my confidence, my plans
My Jesus, You seem far too small, forgive me
My God, You seem far too gone, draw near me
My Spirit, You seem far too dead, revive me
My Love, you seem so selfish, forget me
I repent of the things in, my body takes
Of the weight of sin that my flesh makes
I repent of my pride and my self
My doubt in God, my doubt in his wealth
My Jesus, too small, forgive me
My God, too distant, draw near me
My Spirit, too dead, revive me
My love, so selfish, forget me
I am so happy to say that in God I find myself Its in Jesus Christ that I am fulfilled, forgiven, and redeemed. Thank you so much Papa. "This is love, that you would die for me."
Fundraising is going well and I getting so excited about leaving. I wish it were tomorrow, but until it is actually tomorrow, I will have to wait. Thanks for listening (reading) and let me know what you think.
I say all that to say 2 things. One, you should all check out DW, he's great. Two, God really hit me last night of how I spend so much time and energy trying to convince everyone that I am "ok" spiritually. For some reason because I have worked at a church for a few years or because I am leaving to go live and work in Bosnia I am not supposed to be weak. I wish I could with a clear conscience tell you that things are great and I trust God completely and that I am holy. However, that is not the truth, but for some reason, I am not supposed to say that.
I am not supposed to feel that.
You are not supposed to hear that...
But the reality of it is that I am weak, I do still doubt God, and I am not holy. I thank God so much that David and the other writers of the Psalms was so bold and broken to admit to God and eventually the entire church they were still in need. So with that said, I want to do a little confessing of my own. Please know that this is not polished and could be added to daily if not hourly, but its a start in direction to recovery. Read it in a Bob Dylan sort of way (that is, not in style but in content)...
I repent of my doubt that fills my soul
The world that I look to, to make me whole
For my mind living in fantasy lands
I repent of my will, my confidence, my plans
My Jesus, You seem far too small, forgive me
My God, You seem far too gone, draw near me
My Spirit, You seem far too dead, revive me
My Love, you seem so selfish, forget me
I repent of the things in, my body takes
Of the weight of sin that my flesh makes
I repent of my pride and my self
My doubt in God, my doubt in his wealth
My Jesus, too small, forgive me
My God, too distant, draw near me
My Spirit, too dead, revive me
My love, so selfish, forget me
I am so happy to say that in God I find myself Its in Jesus Christ that I am fulfilled, forgiven, and redeemed. Thank you so much Papa. "This is love, that you would die for me."
Fundraising is going well and I getting so excited about leaving. I wish it were tomorrow, but until it is actually tomorrow, I will have to wait. Thanks for listening (reading) and let me know what you think.
posted by Adam Jones at 8:18 AM
2 Comments:
It's amazing that God has given you the freedom to be true to who you are even when it doesn't fit what other people think you should be, but couldn't that be said of your entire Christian walk. God has always used you in the most unconventional ways to reach the lost and hurting. Thank you for your courage and honesty. Love you and praying for you.
Dude! I didn't know you had a blog until I got your email about my Church's support and I saw the link at the bottom of your emial. This one on "appearances" is "right up my alley." I despair when I hear believers so focused on their failures they cannot celebrate their position in Christ nor do they have the heart to claim victory over ANY sin. I know I am old school but I believe, and have practiced, victory over sin in this life! It has, on one occasion (outbursts of anger toward my children and wife), happened in an instant. I got victory over a long-standing practice of anger in a moment at a Promise Keepers rally. All the rest of the time, my victories have been gradual and many are ongoing. But there are some sins that used to beset me that I am no longer tempted by. The belief that we have to sin because we are human confuses "human" with "carnal." They aren't the same. There's more victory available than most Christians will admit to.
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